First things first: You better have 14 winter coats, matching mitts for every coat option and at least 23 scarves. You need access to a pair of winter-white skates. Your pyjamas should match, and if someone sees you without makeup on, they will turn to stone. (Even if it’s midnight and a random stranger knocks on your door. FULL. FACE. OF. MAKEUP.) You have to choose to be a terrible cook or an incredible cook. There’s no in between. You cannot have an allergy to Christmas trees. Real, coniferous decor is non-negotiable. Got it? Good. Carry on for the rest of the details of your new life.
You are a…
(Choose your birth month)
JANUARY – Romance novelist
FEBRUARY – Florist
MARCH – Journalist
APRIL – Music teacher
MAY – Antiques shop owner
JUNE – Food truck owner
JULY – Baker
AUGUST – Doctor
SEPTEMBER – Party planner
OCTOBER – Public relations professional
NOVEMBER – Mysterious philanthropist
DECEMBER – Eclectic artist
And, surprise! You…
(Choose the first letter of first name)
A – have lost your job and as a result had to move back to your hometown
B – were left at the altar and have moved to a remote village to get your shit together
C – have lost your grandmother and inherited her charming but dilapidated house
D – have been called home to take over the family farm from your ailing father
E – have found a letter from the past and are haunted by what it means
F – have found your grandma’s ring but the inscription reveals it didn’t come from your grandfather (shocked face!)
G – have lost your Christmas spirit but you are still expected to take part in your family’s festive holiday
H – hate your co-worker with a passion but have been paired up for a project that could make or break your career
I – love Christmas but keep finding grinches on dating websites
J – have to go home for the holidays but don’t want to go without a partner
K – hate your job but can only afford to pursue your passion if you win a gingerbread contest
L – have had your car breakdown in a tiny, Christmas-obsessed town but the mechanic won’t reopen until Christmas Eve
M – are taking dance classes to try and distract yourself from your broken engagement
N – have been forced to look after your niece and nephew over the holidays
O – have been forced to look after your boss’s children over the holidays
P – have volunteered to look after your sick neighbour’s children over the holidays
Q – have to attend a Christmas-themed high school reunion a week after losing your job
R – are estranged from your siblings but must be reunited for your aunt’s will reading
S – enter a recipe contest only to learn that your family’s secret shortbread recipe is stolen
T – have amnesia and must get your memory back in order to remember who you are and where you live
U – have to go relive the same date over and over again in order to figure out what Christmas means to you
V – find a lost dog and spend the holidays searching for the owner
W – travel back in time to a pivotal moment in your life after wishing on a Christmas star
X – return home from the big city because your family’s business is in trouble
Y – have to cancel your vacation plans to housesit for your awful boss
Z – have agreed to switch houses with a stranger because you are heartbroken and need a change of scenery
But good news! While dealing with your random issues, you meet a sexy…
(Choose your favourite Christmas cookie)
Gingerbread - Mechanic
Shortbread – Pageant director
Snickerdoodle – Bookstore owner
Macaron – Book editor
Chocolate chip – Christmas tree lot owner
Hello dollies – Cynical lawyer
Truffles - Historian
Lemon drops – Mall Santa/Mrs. Claus
Sugar cookies – Widowed parent
Thumbprint cookies – Former crush
White chocolate macadamia nut – Famous but jaded musician
Peppermint chocolate – School principal
Obviously you think you’ve fallen head over heels in love. A bunch of formulaic stuff happens. Life is so much better. You are faced with a decision – a) return to your old life and work through whatever shit you left there or b) stay in this new life and start fresh. Now, look at your socks. Are they a solid colour? You give up everything in the name of love. Pattern? You give up everything in the name of love. Obviously.
No socks? YOU DO WHATEVER THE EFF YOU WANT. (For the record, we fully recommend taking your socks off. Always. The end.)
Cover image: freestocks for Unsplash